motherhood is a lonely business

i know it sounds weird right?
how could you be lonely when you have at least one tiny person clinging to you 24/7?
but it does.. and this post kinda said what I have in my head. i guess it's the way that motherhood is a selfless job. you are "sucked out" of your own ego, accomplishments, pride, whoever you were, whatever you had, before being a mother. Then there's the issue of "each and every mother and child relationship is unique". it just adds to the loneliness -_-" Like the +AngryGoT Fan puts it #NOONEUNDERSTAAANDSS

it was also why scrolling down through facebook/instagram/path can be a difficult business. you're lonely so you check them out but then seeing pictures of people having FUN made you feel sorry for yourself.

Last night, I was in bed, ready for sleep, doing my nightly terrible habit of scrolling through my facebook feed, when it hit me. It grasped my heart and stole my peace. It was just something as simple as a photo of a few moms hanging out and their playful comment banter under the photo. But it hit me hard. Jealousy. Bitterness. ANGER. And then when those feelings had faded away, all that was left was loneliness.

ditto. in my case i once decided to uninstall everything so i wouldn't get distracted. but it didn't really work. well now I limit my social media trolling to a few hours a day. i'd rather check out parenting/montessori homeschooling blogs and think out new ideas/projects that I can play with Navis. that and arrange as many playdates as possible, lol.

(Pre)Motherhood tools of trade

This blog contains too much whining already, so i guess it's time to post something more useful. Am gonna write down the tools and resources I've been using to get a hold of pregnancy and beyond. So..first up: Pregnancy

The app
Nothing says 21st century more than mobile apps. I installed Baby Center, it's a mammoth with videos and all, but the day-to-day tips and activities is a great companion to D-day. Their website is easily the most resourceful and having the app makes it even easier to access their rich content. Too bad it didnt come with a journal feature. My pregnancy journal was scattered everywhere *sigh*

I tried different apps but only this one made it to the end. After the baby popped out I subscribed myself for weekly emails.

The products
Pregnancy does havoc to our hormones. You may have breakouts, drier skin, etc. I switched to baby products. I actually dont remember if i used anti stretch mark.. Maybe i did... But i think any kind of moisturisers should be fine. Anyways.. Ure not supposed to apply a lot of "chemical" stuffs on your skin and my theory was the gentle it is the better.. Hence baby product :D i think it's even better if you use all-natural stuffs..but they cost a lot.

Pregnancy pillows: cost a lot but not really necessary if you have a lot of pillows at home already

Belly belts: cost saver! I think i only bought one cheapo pregnancy jegging. The rest of my pregnancy i rely on loose shirts n blouses, either my mom's or husband's. If i bought something i made sure i could wear it post partum. (Loose blouses).

For insane hunger i made my own trail mix. Mini choc bars, raisins, fruits, nuts. I had a relatively no-fuss pregnancy i took my vitamins with care (only the essential ones like calcium and folic acid. Indonesian doctors tend to over-prescribe). I ate unhealthy food once in a while when the urge got really REALLY strong. I also managed to stay off coffee for the first 5 months. Then I opted for a decaf/instant coffee/latte (in that order) whenever possible.

The tools
My fav tools from baby center during pregnancy are:
- baby cost calculator (for a good dose of reality check)
- hospital packing list, and of course..
- baby registry

Activities
I loved going to pregnancy exercise classes and most ultimately: yoga. Exercise classes are usually available in all good hospitals and are relatively affordable. They always have snacks and freebies in the end of the session. The more expensive the hospital, the better the freebies :))
For yoga i went to Rumah Yoga Lamandau. Closer to home, reasonable price, serene atmosphere.

Hmm that's all i can think of. Stay tuned for the next one!

Goodbye world!

No no. This is not a suicide note :)) (gotcha?)
By world i was referring to the social media world.
And by social media i meant everything BUT twitter and google+ :)))

A week ago i was in one of those low mood, I'm not sure if it could still be classified as "baby blues" :)) i cried all day and couldn't seem to stop, at one point googled "motherhood depression" and cried some more.

Then those notifications kept coming, from path, Facebook, instagram .. Social media-wise i am always quite curious and like to experiment. Even with having that much socmed app I know what kind of posts to go with each of them. I.e. serious posts, or i want them to be seen by the whole world/certain public figure/institution: twitter
General friends&relatives: Facebook
More private posts (pics of my son, family outings): path
Pics with what i thought to have some aesthetic value (remotely?): instagram
Popular subjects: google+

But last week i was somehow tired..and maybe because of that low mood i felt, suddenly i was so annoyed by these people and their good lives. Not to mention the cute dresses/bracelets/bags at instagram!
So i uninstalled them all.
(FYI u cant uninstall google+ if ure using android). I still hold on to twitter coz..i mean just in case a war is breaking/major tsunami i would want to know.

It also lessen the burden of having this feeling that 'i have to share it somewhere'.

No it doesn't mean i *hate* social media. This morning i was trying to remember that online shop that sells accessories with precious stones that i think would suit my mom so i installed instagram again..and afterwards i couldn't help sharing 2 pics :)) will be uninstalling it again after this.
Also yesterday i was trying to reach out to a friend, whose phone number i lost, so i installed path, messaged her, then uninstalled again :))

I also still get fb notifications via email for posts that mentioned me. But it's rare..most ppl moved to path/IG anyways. If I got them i can just visit the web version, click on courtesy likes and comments, then close the browser.

Why not deleting my account altogether? Coz this might be temporary :)) also, deleting accounts would invite lots of questions.

Yes, my life is now somewhat more peaceful. No longer feel irritated by spelling mistakes. Or having to know people's secret thoughts/night out pics they don't want their mom n dads to find. If you don't want the whole world to know then why bother sharing them in the first place..why bother showing me. If you want, specifically, me to know about it then hit me out on google talk/whatsapp/bbm/call/email/knock on my door (before i uninstalled them too!)

that long overdue motherhood post

so....as i posted before...that itch.

my largest concern is always leaving Navis.

I decided to start slow. Previously I managed to wedge in 1-2 hours of work a day during Navis' naptime. But lately as he has grown to be more active, I needed that nap as well :)) And because these days my role, aside from breastfeeding him, is to watch him play/play with him. I have been finding myself vacantly staring into the wall o_O

So we decided to find a daycare. I'm not against nannies but as I intend to do this gradually, I probably would need someone to look after my son for at most 6 hours per day and only for 3 days a week.

The weirdest thing if you google 'Daycare Jakarta' you will stumble upon many blogs with this seemingly comprehensive list + contact info of daycares all across Jakarta. HOWEVER...many of the names listed have either moved/non-existent. so, UNHELPFUL at all.

My next bet was scouring the online forums. I found theurbanmama.com really helpful...eventho I have to scan through these mama's laments for anything that contains "Jakarta". The thread was only about "daycares" not region-specific. (In the end I posted a review there as a my way of "giving back")

As i mentioned in the review, I finally chose this relatively new daycare called Kidee Childcare. the place is halfway between our home and my husband's office..annnddd..there are a lot of cafe/hang out place in the area tee-hee..well not a lot. I found at least two that can serve as my "mobile office": anomali coffee in Senopati and coffe crematology in Suryo.

The result is this blog post you're reading and the other two in my other blog. Anomali has a promo till May where u can get a syphon coffee and a croissant/banana cake for 29k. which is cheap! but today i'm trying crematology. cozy place, okay coffee. with so many nice coffee houses in jakarta i wonder why people still go to starbucks. (well coz theyre easier to find, thats why!).

but what i crave the most is 1/15 in Gandaria. *sigh* too bad navis' daycare is not in their neighborhood. 

umm yeah, so before i can get like a real writing job i guess am gonna do a more regular post on my own blog lol.

toedels..!

This post was originally written in December. I dunno why i didnt publish it. Privacy concerns I guess.

Ceritanya lagi sebel sama ni bocah. Ga mau makan, udah bisa marah balik kalo dilarang. Jadi ceritanya mo nyuekin aja.
Mommy is ignoring you and will only tidur2an aja today.
Bocah nyamperin bawa tas kosmetik minta dibukain. Abis ngeluarin isinya, sama dia dimasuk2in lagi trs dibalikin ke tempatnya haha

Having a kid really took toll on my patience. I broke my own "no hitting" rule several times. (A small slap or pinch, or shove when I got really mad). I am NOT a patient person. (Nor am I structured). All of my vices are being extrapolated back at me. *sigh*

Rambles

I've been itching to go back to work lately. Would be good for both of us. Had this same dilemma when i was pregnant. Work or stay at home. I know i made the right decision. Stayed home but I always know that work makes me happy. No, being a mother is not a 'job'. You don't get paid for it. *snort* it's a status. Like being a wife. 

Maybe ive always itched for work. Took in all odd freelance work (would do a separate post on it). At some point I had to put them off. Son is priority. He is dependent on me. Ive been his life support. But now.. I can see his eagerness when he sees other kids. Of course he still looks for me when faced with strangers. Was thinking of starting him on a preschool program. Then we'll go slow from there.